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suicidology

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it was the best of times, it was the end of times. [Dec. 22nd, 2012|07:57 am]
suicidology
Yay! Another late night entry at the porn store. Tomorrow(today technically) is going to suck. After I leave work at 8am I have to go home and pack. Around noon I'm going to start my drive towards seattle. Probably get to the place I'm storing my car around 4pm. After that, I have to hop on a shuttle to the airport. Flight is scheduled to leave around 7pm, and I'm just hoping I manage to get on the plane without any problems. It's funny, but at this point I'm more anxious about driving and finding my flight. I was terrified of the flying aspect before, but that seems to be replaced by a different anxiety. I'm still nervous about the whole landing aspect. Mostly because of the snow and ice aspect. I've heard minnesota just got hit by a nasty blizzard recently too. That's not exactly filling my with confidence. I'm sure things will be fine. I know that the odds are in my favor and it's statistically the safest way to travel and blah blah blah. I think the majority of anxiety comes from the fact that it's my first time on a plane in so long. Also, it's my first time flying alone, so I really feel like I'm essentially feeling my way through a dark room. Even though I know there's probably nothing that I'll trip over, I'm still treading cautiously. In other news, I did something very out of character this morning. Around 7am yesterday a woman came into the store and started flirting with me. Not super attractive, but still kind cute with sort of a hipster look. She asked if she told me she was going to be at the bar down the street, and that I should come have a drink with her when I get off work. Normally my social awkwardness would have gotten the better of me, and I would have just gone straight home after work. Not this time. I manned up, and went and had a drink with her at 830 in the morning haha. Her name is Leanna. She was with her friend, but I've already forgot the friend's name. It was fun. We had some drinks, and got to know each other. It was fun, but eventually my social anxiety got the better of me and I made up and excuse about having to pick up a friend from work. It wasn't complete lie. I had made plans with a friend, but for some reason the pick up a friend excuse felt more appropriate. I still hung out for like an hour and a half. Not bad for someone who has trouble just making eye contact with strangers. I think this job has further skewed my social view of the world as well. Not that I've ever had a particularly positive outlook on the world, but I think working with perverts and crackheads has fucked me up even more. Now I'm not even polite to the bums when the ask me for change or a smoke. I'll look them dead in the eyes and tell them to fuck off. It's one of the few "social" interactions that I'm capable of doing easily with strangers. Probably not a good sign when it's easier for you to curse out a hobo than it is to say "hello" to a pretty girl. Oh well, hopefully finding a new job where I don't have to deal with pervs and crackheads will boost my morale. I think getting that drink with a stranger and her friend was a step in the right direction too. Gotta be positive about people. Some people at least. I'm not going to start being nice to the creeps who come into my work at 5am high on meth. Those people don't deserve any civility from me. Meh, I'm bored of updating right now, but I don't want to do any work. I guess I should at least look at the duty sheet to see if there's anything I'm scheduled to do... Nope! Nothing. I guess I could bitch about my coworkers. There's a girl named christy, I don't know if I've written about her before, so I'll make a long story into a short one. We started working around the same time, and at first I thought she was kinda cute. Over time I've gotten to know her, and have decided that she's a total bitch. Lately, she seems to think she's everyone's boss. Her and her little buddy alex(gay dude that she helped get a job here) have been bossing around the newer people, and even going as far as to leave condescending little note of instructions for things to do. Things they themselves should be doing, but they'd rather fuck around instead. I've told my actual boss about it, but since they're only doing it to the new people, and not to me he doesn't give a shit. He's a major douche himself, so you can just add that up to the list of reasons why I hate this place and need a new job. Just downed a dr pepper, and boy did I need it. Just thinking about all the stuff I have to do tomorrow is making me tired. By the time I finally land in minnesota I'm going to be so tired I'm just going to pass out the second I hit the bed... It actually got busy in the store for a second. Well, not busy. It was only one customer, but he was a needy customer. At least he wasn't a creeper. He spent 250 bucks on porno though. I wish I had that kind of cash to drop on something like porno. Not necessarily porno, but something equally pointless. I guess for me it would be video games. I wish I had 250 bucks to drop on video games. It's been so long since I had money to waste on anything really. I'm really really hoping I get a good haul of money this christmas. It's a bit of a catch 22 though. Even if I do get a lot of money, most of it will just go towards making up for the 5 days I take off of work. Ugh, yet another annoyance of this trip. To be honest, I'd be perfectly happy spending my christmas alone or at work. I'm not the type who really feels the need to travel and be with family. The only reason I'm going is because they're paying for it. Except for the part where I miss 5 days of work, that's money out of my pocket. It's kinda funny because in just a few weeks I'll qualify for a week of paid vacation. If I had the week of vacation time now I'd be fine and dandy because even if I didn't get any money from the parents at least I'd still be getting paid by the porn store during my trip. I feel like I'm coming off as really shallow and materialistic right now, so I need to make a point about something. I make $9.50 and hour at this POS job, and I only get about 30 hours a week. After taxes I take home about 500 bucks a paycheck. My total expenses for bills and such is about $825 a month(rent+car insurance+gas+internet+phone). That leaves me about $175 for food and whatever else I need for the month. So yeah, my monthly budget is pretty tight, and missing an entire week of work can be the difference between whether or not I can pay my rent on time. Need a new job!!! Arg, I feel like a broken record. I hate this place. I HATE IT! Soon as I get back in town I'm busting my ass to find a new job. No surrender! Thunder gun express!!! Nearly 7am now. Guess I should start organizing the store before the boss comes in.


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a good day to journal hard [Dec. 21st, 2012|05:32 am]
suicidology
So here I am again. 3am, and another late night stuck at the porn store. Crackheads everywhere, and I just decided I don't give a shit anymore. I'll let this pot continue to boil, and when it finally boils over I'll just step in to clean up the mess. It just seems easier this way. In other news, thing have reached something of a stand-still with emma. We still work together of course, so I've still seen her every night when I come to start my shift. She leaves about 45 minutes after I start, and those minutes are precious. It's really the only point of my shift that I can really stand. Not just because of emma either, but that is a major bonus. It's because that's the only point of my shift where I'm not alone here with the perverts and the crackheads. Enough about work though, let's talk more about emma. I've realized that I'm never gonna be able to make a move on emma until after I quit this place. I would just feel to awkward having to work with her if she rejected me. I know it's all way too soon to even be thinking like this. I mean, I've only hung out with her once outside of work. Even typing it out right now I realize I must sound like some sort of obsessed stalked. I'm not, I swear. It's just extremely frustrating. To know that I like this girl, but at the moment I can't do anything about it because we work together. So close, yet so far. It's like peeking at your christmas presents before they're wrapped, and seeing something you really wanted. Now you're all pumped up, but you still have to wait a few weeks before you can open it up and play with it. Instead, you just stare at it as it sits under the tree. Of course in this case, there's a chance my present might not feel the same way I do haha. Maybe this christmas present doesn't want to be sensually unwrapped. Maybe this christmas present just wants to stay friends. Oh well, time will tell. Speaking of christmas, on saturday I have my trek across the country back to minnesota. I'm definitely dreading it. I've never been fond of flying. I've on been on a plan twice in my life(4 times if you count return trips), and all those times were at least 14 years ago. This is also the first time I'll be flying solo, and the giant airport seems very daunting. I can easily imagine myself getting lost and missing my flight. I'm also worried about what I'm allowed to bring on the plane. I know I can't bring liquids, but what about cigarettes and otc medications. Not to mention electronic devices. Is a hair straightener considered a weapon by todays crazy FSA standards? I don't know. I don't want curly hair, but I don't wanna miss my flight because some security guy thinks I'm gonna burn someone either. Ugh, so stressed. The fact that I have to drive 3 hours to seattle is adding extra stress. I've never driven to seattle. I don't exactly know where I'm going. My car is a piece of shit, and it's a shitty time of year to be driving long distances. It has no heat, so when it's cold the windows fog up. I can get rid of the fog by rolling down the windows, but then it gets freezing cold inside the car. At least I'll need to be bundled up for minnesota. It's not like I have to bring extra jackets and gloves just for the drive to the airport. Portland has an airport by the way, but for whatever reason it's about 300 bucks more expensive to fly from there than it is from seattle. Ugh, all the more reason I need a better paying job. I'd almost be willing to put down the extra 300 if I had it. If only so I wouldn't have to put up with all this extra crap. I can't stop thinking about how much I hate chaska too. I really think that city should just be burned to the ground. If I had the money I'd buy the town myself and burn it down myself. Grrrrrr I hate chaska. There are actually 2 people who want to hang out with me while I'm in town. I'm really only interested in meeting up with one of them though. First is my old flame Tegan, and the other is my exfiance Kari. Tegan and I have always been cool, but kari and I have had some troublesome time since our breakup four years ago. The most recent one involved her dating an old friend of mine, and then rubbing it in my face. She also has the tendency to lie about everything. For no reason either it seems. They're not even good lies. She claimed the the lead singer from skinny puppy contacted her on facebook, and then later tried to rape her. Now, I don't know Ogre on a personal level, but that just sounds so completely unbelievable. They're not even lies that make her seem like a cool or better person. It's usually something really dramatic about her getting stabbed or raped. I tried to call her on it last time and asked to see the scar from being stabbed. She showed me the scar on her chest from when she was a kid and he sister hit her with a rock. When I told her I remember how she really got that scar, she told me I was just remembering it wrong, and that original scar was in the close to the same spot, but had faded away since then. Even though it was obvious that the scar I was looking at was many many many years old... Fucking ridiculous. We'll see how it goes though. She has been messaging me on facebook lately, and seems slightly more sane than usual. Fuck, if it gets me away from my family for a few hours I guess I could put up with her. I think I'll focus my attention on tegan first though. We kind of reconnected before I left minnesota, and I've missed her company since then.


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live free or journal hard. [Dec. 19th, 2012|06:56 am]
suicidology
I wish there was a way to edit entries from this mobile version of livejournal. I realized that in a recent entry I mentioned the name of the store I work at. This wouldn't be bad on its own, but I also mentioned how much I hate it here. I think I'm okay for now. I did several google searches and this journal only shows up on the first page if you actually put "suicidology" as one of the search words. I kinda don't care is one of my bosses sees this. I could probably collect unemployment if they fired me for talking bad about my job in my personal journal. Fuck, I bet unemployment pays better than this place anyways. Maybe I should see if I can still get anything for food stamps. Probably not, but even an extra 30 bucks a month would help out. Ugh, I need to go back to school too. Even if it's just for some tech job training. This minimum wage bullshit has gone on long enough. I'm due for a promotion and some vacation time soon too, but I'm willing to say fuck it for a better job at this point. Wouldn't that be great if I got a new job, and then instead of giving 2 weeks notice I just took a week long paid vacation and didn't come back. A man can dream. I'm suppose to get this supposed vacation and pay raise in january. Knowing this shitty company though I probably wouldn't get it until march or april, and not without pestering my boss every day either. God forbid a company give it's workers the compensation they're actually entitled to. That's the one thing I miss about minnesota. Having a tolerable job that pays me a decent wage. Meh, I guess it's like they say, you don't appreciate what you have until you don't have it anymore. I really have enjoyed updating this livejournal tonight. I'd like to do this every work night that seems to drag on forever. Unfortunately I feel like I'm running out of steam. Maybe I'll just start treating livejournal like facebook or twitter. Instead of only posting long thought out entries about my innermost thoughts, I'll also post really inane updates about the mundane events of my life. "Just ate pizza. That makes 4 days straight of nothing but pizza for breakfast lunch and dinner." Haha that could be fun in a weird sort of way. I usually don't post much on facebook because I feel like 99% of what I have to say on there would be seen and either dumb, pointless, or possibly start some sort of argument. I think that's what I like about livejournal, and why I keep sporadically coming back to it. Almost nobody I've met in real life will ever probably read this, so I don't have to worry about offending anyone I know. I can vent freely here, yet for some reason I don't come here more often. I genuinely think that needs to change. Maybe I'll get a cheap digital camera and make a photo story like I used to back in the day. I know, I know, talk is cheap. I say I want to do these things, but odds are good I probably won't. We'll see though. Now that this mobile version of livejournal seems to be cooperating, I may just get the motivation to post more often. I've spent a good portion of this shift updating as it is. Only really stopping to help the occasional customer. Now I just need to start remembering to bring my sketch book with me work so I can practice my drawing some more. I was doing pretty good for a while, but I seemed to just lose motivation. Less procrastination, more motivation. Maybe that will be my motto for the new year. I'm feeling pretty pumped all of a sudden. I'm going to be genuinely pissed if the world does end on friday. It would be just my luck. Finally get a little bit of motivation to improve my life, and the world explodes and ruins it all. I think I'm gonna take a break from updating to organize the store.


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Journaling with a vengance! [Dec. 19th, 2012|06:05 am]
suicidology
So like I was saying. Booze made me fat, and fat abe was sad. Stopped drinking so much, and became skinny as a result. Skinny Abe has more confidence than fat able, but still has some left over insecurity from being fat. Push ups and sit ups equal muscle. Muscle equals lean and sexy abe. Lean and sexy abe has unlimited confidence? I guess there's only one way to find out. Except it's hard to get motivated when my apartment is so cold and the floor is so hard and wooden. I just wanna curl up under my blankets and try to stay warm. Okay, time to add more shit to the list. Space heater, exercise mat, couch, new job, new car, and possibly a new place. The space heater, the mat, and possibly the couch could all be doable soon after I get back from minnesota. I'm hoping to get some money from my parents for christmas. They asked me what I wanted, and all I said was money. I told them straight out that anything else I got for gift would probably just be sold since I'm so strapped for cash right now. Seems like kind of a dick thing to say when I see it typed out like that. Though I suppose it would be even more of a dick thing to do to accept gifts and then turn around and sell them later. My mom seemed to at least appreciate that I have my priorities in order, and that I'm not wasting what little money I have on things like booze and video games. Though don't think I wouldn't like to waste money on those things. Video games at least, no thanks to the booze. Part of the reason I'm dreading going home for christmas is because I'm gonna be basically obligated to drink. I say that because everybody in my family drinks, and they're gonna be shoving drinks in my face all night every night. Its not like I'm worried about resisting temptation. It's more like I know I'm going to get extremely annoyed with saying "no thanks, I don't really drink these days" over and over again to my drunk family. Specifically my brother. Haha, I'm probably going to have to pretend to be super drunk just to get him to leave me alone. When in reality I'll just be pouring my drinks in the nearest potted plant or down the bathroom sink. I just thought of another thing to add to my list. I need some new clothes. I've gotten sick of a lot of my clothes, and even more of them are too big for me now that I've lost like 40 pounds. Its gotten to the point where I feel like I have two sets of uniforms. My work clothes which consist of 2 short sleeve shirts, 3 long sleeve shirts, and 2 pairs of pants. Then there's my everyday clothes which consists of many t shirts, and the same 2 pairs of pants I wear for work... Yeah, I think I need to work in a little more variety. I don't want friends to look at me and think I'm heading off for work when really I'm head out for a date. That's another luxury though. Space heater, exercise mat, and couch are all more important. We'll see if I have any money left after all those things. I've lost my train of thought now because a guy has been in the store looking through movies for the last 30 minutes or so. I put my phone away because I wanted to seem professional, but now I'm just saying fuck it. Time for another posting so I don't lose anything


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journalin' like motherfucker! [Dec. 19th, 2012|05:12 am]
suicidology
Success!!! The update seems to have gone through. I guess that means I can continue my update without fear of it being lost in the ether of internet land. Where was I? Oh yeah, Emma. She seems really nice. Maybe a little socially awkward, but that might just be me projecting my social awkwardness onto her. We hung out the other day. Watched some mel brooks movies at my place. I felt like she was bored, but she said afterwards that she had a great time. Once again I think I'm just projecting my own awkwardness. I did come to a realization though. I need a couch for my apartment. Even just a small one would be great. All I have is my bed and a single chair. Kind of hard to snuggle up to someone when they're forced to sit 5 feet away from you in the only other available seat. Perhaps a trip to ikea is in order when I get back from minnesota. Job hunting is slightly more important though. If I have a better job, then not only can I buy a couch, but I can hopefully buy a better car, and even a better apartment. Move out of my classy studio and into a classy 1 bedroom. Ooooh to make plans for the future. Lately the passage of time has been catching up with me. I'm gonna be 28 next may. It feels like I was 23 just yesterday. I'm gonna contribute that to the heavy drinking that has occurred during these last 4 year. I've gotten a lot better though. Now I only drink 2-3 times a month, and it's usually only 2-3 beers each time. A major motivation has been all the weight that I've lost since last march. In march I weighed 217, then I did a crazy 10 day cleansing diet. After the diet I weighed 197, so I was starting to feel good about myself. Since then I've been eating healthier and trying to exercise more. Now I'm at 175lbs. I think 175 is a pretty good weight. I don't think I could loose much more without starting to look super skinny gross style. Now I just need to get motivated to do some push ups and sit ups. Exercise is hard! I like to think I get some exercise from walking around town. Though lately I haven't been walking that much since it's cold and wet all the time here in Portland during the winter. Alright, time to post. I haven't quite begun to trust my phones browser, and I don't want to lose out on these delicious thoughts.


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phone update: 2nd attempt. [Dec. 19th, 2012|04:45 am]
suicidology
I'm at work right now. I'm bored out of my mind right now. I hate my job so much. It's gotten to the point where I often consider just walking out in the middle of my shift. The only thing stopping me is the fact that I'd be homeless if not for this job. That's really it's only redeeming quality. Even then, I still only get paid just enough to keep me fed and off the streets. I'm lucky if I get 1 night out on the town a month. It's been a while since I've had the money for any sort of luxuries. You know you're poor when a 30 dollar space heater is out of your price range. Shitty hours and low pay, that's my job in a nutshell. Throw a few crackheads and smelly hobos into the mix, and you've got a recipe for an Abe rage explosion. One good thing may actually come out of this job though. A girl started working here recently. A girl named Emma. She's cute, likes metal, likes weed, and most importantly seems to like me. Unfortunately the porn store says employees can't date. Emma has also nonchalantly mention that she's against dating coworkers. I'm trying to look at this in a positive light. Rather than get discouraged, I'm going to look at this as motivation to find a new job. I'm trapped here for right now. I'm taking a trip to MN in a few days, so the job hunt will have to wait. Did I mention I'm typing this on my phone? Well I am, and now seems like a good time to hit "submit", and see if this actually posts to my journal. Last time it didn't work.


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Don't know what to do with myself [Apr. 19th, 2012|12:32 pm]
suicidology
I decided to update because I've been feeling down lately. I finally got around to applying for a few jobs yesterday. I should have done it sooner since I'd had the last 3 days off, but it's just one of those things that I always seem to forget about until the last possible second. I finally got a decent amount of hours from work. I'll be working the next 5 days in a rows, and it'll come out to just over 30 hours. Not great, but better than only working 20 hours a week. The last two paychecks have been less than stellar, and I'm getting very sick of having little if any spending money. Seems like every cent I earn goes towards bills. What little I do have to spend on frivolous things is usually gone within the first couple days after I get paid. If only there were part time jobs out there that paid really well. Really the only reason I've been looking for more full time work is because I'm tired of sitting at home all day with nothing to do. At least I would have money to spend if I was working full time, even if I still wasn't making more than 9 bucks an hour. I've been thinking about taking courses of some sort to help me find a better job. Maybe something like phlebotomy training. Problem is that I have no money to spend on these courses. Hopefully these 30 hour work weeks will stay consistent, that way I can save up some cash and start taking courses. My stomach is in terrible pain right now. A combination of junk food burritos and laxatives gave me horrible cramps during the night. They were so bad that I actually had a dream that I was going into labor and about to give birth in a hospital. It was freaky. I've heard of men having dreams where they're pregnant, but I never thought they could be induced by stomach pains. Hopefully the cramps will die down before I have to go to work tonight. I'm sick of my job too. I'm sick of starting work at 1am, and I'm sick of dealing with the pervs and junkies too. Most days I just go through the motions. I do just enough work to keep myself from getting fired. I just have to make it through a couple more weeks. Once I have some spending money I feel like I'll be able to get more accomplished in life. Ugh, I hate money.
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Update/More show ideas [Feb. 29th, 2012|02:34 pm]
suicidology
Update*
Still living with Sarah and Jesse. So far so good. I get along with them well, and I don't seem to get on their nerves. That's more than I can say about my previous roommates. Still no luck finding a permanent place to say. Must have replied to 30 or so ads on craigslist, and I've gotten surprisingly few responses. I've only had a handful of people consider me for a roommate. There was one place that I thought was a sure thing. Then out of nowhere they just stopped returning my calls/emails. Fuckin' A! I've actually going to check out a place tonight around 7p, and my hopes are sky high. I feel as though I've already overstayed my welcome with Sarah and Jesse. Not that I think they really want to get ride of me, but I did tell them I'd only stay for a few weeks, and I feel bad that it's been longer than I originally anticipated. Other than that, nothing new to report. Still working at the porn store, and it's still a weird place to work. Saving every cent I can to go towards a place. Hopefully I'll find something soon, and I'll have enough money left over to invest in a new camera for the Zach and Abe show, plus some other art supplies I've been wanting. I've been doing this cleansing lemonade diet thing, and it's been going well. Basically, I can't eat any solid food for 10 days, and the only thing I'm allowed to drink is a concoction of lemon juice, cayenne pepper, maple syrup, and water. I'm on day 8 now, and I don't feel overwhelmingly hungry. It's more like I miss the different flavors of food. I've been keeping a list of foods I'm looking forward to eating again once this whole process is over with. Also, I've lost 14 pounds since I started, so I'm pretty happy about that. This was a longer update than I planned on writing, so on to the show ideas now.

Tough Guys: Show about two guys who like to act really tough and manly, even though it's very obvious that neither of them is in very good shape. They constantly drink muscle milk(protein drink) and/or hard liquor. Dress in wife beaters and basketball shorts regardless of the weather. Slip work out lingo into casual conversation. And do general douche type stuff that jock guys like to do to prove how tough they are(example: manly punching games).

Drunk Dad: Dad that is constantly drunk and belligerent, but still tries to do everyday normal things. He tries to help his son with math homework. He's asked to do some long division, and he's just looking at it... and his son is looking at him all weird as the dad's own disbelief forms on his face and he realizes he has no idea how to do long division anymore.

that's all for now.
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life these days... [Jan. 14th, 2012|10:56 pm]
suicidology
Just felt like attempting to update this journal from my phone. Last time I tried this I typed a whole big post, and it ended up not updating my journal. So here's life right now:

Computer broken, and I need money to fix it(that's why I'm using my phone)

Started working at a porno/sex toy shop this week. Still in training, but I really like it so far. Looking forward to learning about all the different dildos and vibrators.

My roommates are driving me crazy these days. Mostly because I sleep in the living room, so I have zero privacy. Long story short, I need a new place to live. Even if it's with other people, I need my own bedroom.

That's about it. Not a very interesting update. Still in Oregon too. Probably update again later when my computer is fixed.


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Running up that hill... [Jan. 4th, 2012|04:34 am]
suicidology
[Current Location |United States, Oregon, Beaverton]
[mood |pessimisticpessimistic]
[music |Sucker Punch OST]

Ugh. I hate this. I had a whole entry written out, and then my browser done goofed. I guess I'll just summarize.

Things are shitty, but they could be a lot shittier.

I want my own place.

I need to find more creative outlets.

Hairy Bananas...
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