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suicidology

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Banananananana [Mar. 4th, 2014|05:08 am]
suicidology

I'm so sleepy right now, so I decided some journaling might help keep me awake at work tonight. I seem to remember it being a good way to stay focused back in the days when I was a hardcore insomniac. It helps to organize the thoughts, and thought organization is something I've been struggling with lately. I've been having a hard time forming thoughts lately, and an even harder time putting those thoughts into words. Seems I've been repeating myself a lot lately without even realizing it. My mind feels like a broken record at times. Just the same thought repeating itself over and over. Maybe some writing will help put my brain voice in order. Seems like when I force myself to write, I'm also forced to think of new things to say. Even though I'm certain few, if any people will read this journal, I still feel the need to not keep it so repetative.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My life has been pretty fucking awesome lately. I've got an awesome girlfriend, and we're totally in love. She makes me insanely happy. It kind of blows my mind. I fell for her hard and fast, which is also kind of amazing to me. It's been so long since I've had anyone I care about this much. I was starting to think I might be incapable of having these kinds of feelings for another person. I've had my fair share of shitty relationships over the years, but this one feels like it's not going to be like that at all. It feels actually healthy. For the first time I'm with someone who isn't completely dependant on me. I still feel like I want to give her the whole world though. Except now it's not like I have that feeling of obligation hanging over me where I have to do everything for her. I can do all the sweet and nice things for her because I like to, and not because I have to. That seems like how it's been in the past. I had to be the provider because my partner was incapable of taking care of anything themselves. This one is different. She's totally a genius, and I'm constantly amazed by the things she knows. She can do anything she wants without any help from me at all. I feel like she's my one true love, and I love to see her happy. She's been really great for me too. My confidence has been steadily increasing, and even my insomnia has lessened. I've been more productive in my day to day life, and more motivated to work on my art. Just being around her makes me happy and feel at peace. I can even sleep next to her easily, which is something I'd never experienced before. I always slept a little easier with someone in bed with me, but not on this kind of level. It usually takes me an hour or two to fall asleep normally, but with her it's almost instantaneous. I manage to stay asleep all night too. We even cuddle more awesome than ever too. Usually when it comes to cuddling, I used to get uncomfortable or whatever after a 20-30 minutes and have to roll away. With her though, there have been many nights where we fell asleep embracing, and I'll wake up hours later in the exact same position. It's so fucking awesome. Maybe a little shifting or changing positions, but we always seem to wake up holding each other. I love it!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Other than my awesome girlfriend, other things have been good too. Been working on my art more, and I'm happy with the progress I've made. I'm actually starting to get to that point where it feels like there aren't enough hours in the day for me to do art. It's a nice feeling compared to how not that long ago it was difficult to motivate myself to work on art for even just a short time. I've got some paintings in the works, and I've been trying out different sticker making techniques too. So far there hasn't been anything I've made that I haven't been happy with. It's pretty cool considering in the past I'd be happy with maybe 1 out of every 10 things I'd make. I even finally got around to getting a camera, and I'm going to start making some skits and stuff for the show I do with my friends. Nowadays my biggest gripe over my art is the fact that I don't have a decent work space for my projects lol. That will change in the not-too-distant future im sure.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As far as work goes, not much has changed yet. Though I've been more proactive about it lately than I was in the past. I was expecting a call back from a job earlier today, but haven't gotten a response. Kind of a bummer, but I'm staying positive. Even if I didn't get this particular job, I'm not going to get discouraged. I'm still having this sort of internal stuggle over what I'd like to do with my life career wise. It's a toss up between electronics, or the medical field. Both have promising outcomes, but would require me to go back to school. I'm not opposed to that, but I need to find a better job before I can afford school. Find a better job, so I can go to school, to find a better job. Something about that last sentence caused a weird popping noise inside my head. Like somehow the logic behind it is paradoxical. That's the way it is though. The porn store has gotten slightly more tolerable in the last few months. Just because I'm bit working overnight anymore. Well except for tonight, but it's my first overnight shift in a while. I still want to get the fuck out of here asap. I've got big plans for the near future, and I'll be damned if I'm going to let this place hold me back. My girlfriend and I want to get a house together, and I know I'm not going to be able to help make that happen unless I find something better than this place. I dont make shit for money, and that makes it near impossible to save up for anything big like moving to a new place. I'm going to make it happen though. I'm totally in love with my girlfriend, and we're both awesome. Together we can accomplish anything.

 

 

 

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