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suicidology

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bone wolf [Dec. 28th, 2012|09:31 am]
suicidology
I'm back in portland, and back at the porn store. That also means I'm back to feeling irritated. I've been here for about an hour, and my head already feels ten sizes to small for my brain. This headache literally feels like my head is clamped into some sort of vice. I've heard people talk about having headaches like this before, but I always thought it was some sort of expression. Now I know the truth. As soon as I get home I'm going to start my job search. I would have started it earlier today, but I was jet-lagged from my trip home yesterday. I also had to try and force myself to sleep because I was so tired when I got home last night I think I went to be around 10pm. 3 hours on a plane and 5 hours in a car. It was only supposed to be 3 hours in the car as well, but there was traffic at 2 different points. Apparently the day after christmas is one of the busiest travel days of the year, and I'm inclined to believe it. Both the airports and the roads were packed with travelers. Even both plane rides we at full capacity. Speaking of plane rides, I managed not to shit my pants and/or chicken out of both my plane rides. That's not to say I had a good time either. Sweaty palms on both the take off and landings. Once we were up in the air I was relatively calm. Except for those occasional shaky moments. I made the mistake of mentioning that it was my first time on a plane to one of my fellow passengers on my way to seattle. He proceeded to be a total douche during the take off and the landing. Saying things like "this doesn't feel right" and "sounds like something is wrong with the engine". He wasn't able to get to me because I knew he was full of shit, but still, what an asshole. His sister was nice enough though and proceeded to berate him endlessly for his bullshit. I'm actually partially convinced he may have had some sort of mental problem. He just seemed very slow minded in general, and his sister did mention something about him having a brain tumor. Regardless, he was still a dick, so if he doesn't have a brain tumor I hope he gets one. Courtney texted me today and said her mom has some sort of crazy brain tumor. I also heard that my friend pat's dad also has some sort of cancer issue going on. It's kind of freaking me out how so many people I know as getting sick and dying. I knew that was going to be something I was going to have to deal with as I got older, but I didn't think it was going to be all happening so suddenly. I mean fuck, I'm only 27 after all, how bad is this shit going to be once I hit 50? I've already had one cancer scare myself, and my close friend sarah just had one herself a couple months ago. She's only 2 years old than me I think. It's shit like this that really makes me think I should be looking into my own health more on a professional level. I mean, I feel generally well except for my usual insomnia/depression combo. My insides also feel generally good, so long as I don't go on one of my junk food binges where I eat nothing but pizza for 3 days straight. I could probably stand to exercise more. Both aerobics and muscle building. I do a good amount of walking I think, but I could probably stand to do some running once and a while. Also, push-ups and sit-ups. I'm feeling really wound up tonight too. Probably because I went back to smoking cigarettes before I left town. I had a vapor cigarette, and was attempting to ween myself off nicotine entirely. The stress of traveling proved to be too much for me however, and I broke down and bought a pack of cigarettes when my vapor cig broke suddenly. Man, my mind has been racing a mile a minute. Having all these imaginary conversations and arguments in my head. I realized I've been pacing back and forth for like 30 minutes non stop. I feel like a god damn crack head. Just goes to show how bad smoking is for you. Just 2 packs of smoking regular cigarettes and my body is already back to going through withdrawals like when I first quit smoking. I think the hardest part about quitting smoking is that it seems so easy to do when you're still smoking. Then after you quit and the nicotine is all out of your system you think "I smoked for 7 years and quit no problem, a single pack or two of cigarettes isn't going to get me hooked again". Wrong! I'm totally feeling the withdrawals. That's why I like the vapor cigs though. I can just take a single puff to help with the occasional craving, and I'm not obligated to continue smoking an actual lit cigarette, or continuously chew a piece of gum. One puff, instant relief, and I can go about my business like normal.


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