?

Log in

I'll rip your fucking ankles off! [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
suicidology

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ archive | journal archive ]

Nananananananana BUTTMAN! [Mar. 24th, 2014|05:20 am]
suicidology

Blehhh. Yet another overnight shift. Coworker is out of town, and of course I'm the poor sucker stuck covering for him. it's totally screwing with my sleep schedule. At least I get to go back to day shifts by Friday. Forgot my phone charger at home tonight, so all I can do to pass the time is journal and read a bit before the batteries on my phone and kindle die. Man I hate the overnight shift. At least I'm only doing it for two nights, but it's still a pain in the ass. I know I'm going to want to sleep all day on my day off, but I'll have to try to find a way to just nap periodically. That way I can sleep like a normal person when I go back to work.

 

 

 

In other news, the last week or so of my life has been hectic. Some bad luck has rolled my way. A piece of shit tweaker slashed a tire on my car a few nights ago. All because I kicked him out of the store, and made him look like an asshole. He held up his hand like he was going to swing at me, and when I started moving toward him he turned around and ran face first into the door. That part was hilarious. Few minutes later though I saw him on the security camera, running out of the store's parking garage. Come the end of my shift, I find I have a flat tire. At least I had a spare, but I still had to buy a new tire. That was money I had other plans for.
I also cracked a few ribs recently, and that's been fun dealing with. it generally doesn't bother me too much during the day, but sleeping has been difficult. Every time I roll over, I get sharp pain that jolts me awake. Doesn't hurt as bad as the last time I cracked my ribs, so hopefully it will heal quicker this time.

 

 

 

I guess this doesn't count as bad luck towards me, but my lovely girlfriend had her super awesome 1970s vespa stolen. it was the day after my tire got slashed too, so it was like we both had bad vehicle luck. Hers was way shittier though. A new tire only cost me 90 bucks. That scooter was so cool too. I'm bummed I never got a chance to ride it.

 

 

 

I thought I'd finally found a new job. Had an interview, and felt like I nailed it. My lady love was so sweet, and made me dinner and spent the night with me to get me pumped up for the interview. She made these awesome quesadillas. Both chorizo and dessert style. There were so delicious. She gave me a massage, and we snuggled all night. It was great, I was so stoked when I went to the interview the next morning. Kept the good feelings going with a celebratory date with my love. Had more awesome food and drinks. Lots of tasty cheeses, desserts, and some really awesome goat cheese tarts. Not to mention the cured pork slices that were practically orgasmic. We both felt high on delicious food when we left, it was an awesome day. Fast forward to the next morning, I was supposed to go to an orientation for my new job, but found out just before that the company was a scam. They made it sound like it was going to be some assembly work, paired with occasionally demonstrating the equipment for other companies. Turns out the job was more like straight up door to door sales. They even try to make you buy the equipment from them, so you could potentially lose money by working for them. Shitty. Just glad I found out before I bothered going to the orientation. Almost everyone I've talked to about it has heard of the company, and had their own bad experiences with them. Good thing I found out before I got in too deep, but it's still a bummer because I was sure I'd finally found a way out from the porn shop.

 

 

 

Things haven't been all bad though. Things are still great with me and my girlfriend. I'm totally in love with her, and she feels the same way. I really feel like she's the most important thing in my life. I know I'd be a lot more bummed about stuff if I didn't have her to keep me positive. Honestly, it's like everything else is trivial and unimportant as long as I've got her love. She does so much to make me happy and stoked about everything. I really am a lucky guy just by having her in my life.

 

linkpost comment

Banananananana [Mar. 4th, 2014|05:08 am]
suicidology

I'm so sleepy right now, so I decided some journaling might help keep me awake at work tonight. I seem to remember it being a good way to stay focused back in the days when I was a hardcore insomniac. It helps to organize the thoughts, and thought organization is something I've been struggling with lately. I've been having a hard time forming thoughts lately, and an even harder time putting those thoughts into words. Seems I've been repeating myself a lot lately without even realizing it. My mind feels like a broken record at times. Just the same thought repeating itself over and over. Maybe some writing will help put my brain voice in order. Seems like when I force myself to write, I'm also forced to think of new things to say. Even though I'm certain few, if any people will read this journal, I still feel the need to not keep it so repetative.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My life has been pretty fucking awesome lately. I've got an awesome girlfriend, and we're totally in love. She makes me insanely happy. It kind of blows my mind. I fell for her hard and fast, which is also kind of amazing to me. It's been so long since I've had anyone I care about this much. I was starting to think I might be incapable of having these kinds of feelings for another person. I've had my fair share of shitty relationships over the years, but this one feels like it's not going to be like that at all. It feels actually healthy. For the first time I'm with someone who isn't completely dependant on me. I still feel like I want to give her the whole world though. Except now it's not like I have that feeling of obligation hanging over me where I have to do everything for her. I can do all the sweet and nice things for her because I like to, and not because I have to. That seems like how it's been in the past. I had to be the provider because my partner was incapable of taking care of anything themselves. This one is different. She's totally a genius, and I'm constantly amazed by the things she knows. She can do anything she wants without any help from me at all. I feel like she's my one true love, and I love to see her happy. She's been really great for me too. My confidence has been steadily increasing, and even my insomnia has lessened. I've been more productive in my day to day life, and more motivated to work on my art. Just being around her makes me happy and feel at peace. I can even sleep next to her easily, which is something I'd never experienced before. I always slept a little easier with someone in bed with me, but not on this kind of level. It usually takes me an hour or two to fall asleep normally, but with her it's almost instantaneous. I manage to stay asleep all night too. We even cuddle more awesome than ever too. Usually when it comes to cuddling, I used to get uncomfortable or whatever after a 20-30 minutes and have to roll away. With her though, there have been many nights where we fell asleep embracing, and I'll wake up hours later in the exact same position. It's so fucking awesome. Maybe a little shifting or changing positions, but we always seem to wake up holding each other. I love it!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Other than my awesome girlfriend, other things have been good too. Been working on my art more, and I'm happy with the progress I've made. I'm actually starting to get to that point where it feels like there aren't enough hours in the day for me to do art. It's a nice feeling compared to how not that long ago it was difficult to motivate myself to work on art for even just a short time. I've got some paintings in the works, and I've been trying out different sticker making techniques too. So far there hasn't been anything I've made that I haven't been happy with. It's pretty cool considering in the past I'd be happy with maybe 1 out of every 10 things I'd make. I even finally got around to getting a camera, and I'm going to start making some skits and stuff for the show I do with my friends. Nowadays my biggest gripe over my art is the fact that I don't have a decent work space for my projects lol. That will change in the not-too-distant future im sure.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As far as work goes, not much has changed yet. Though I've been more proactive about it lately than I was in the past. I was expecting a call back from a job earlier today, but haven't gotten a response. Kind of a bummer, but I'm staying positive. Even if I didn't get this particular job, I'm not going to get discouraged. I'm still having this sort of internal stuggle over what I'd like to do with my life career wise. It's a toss up between electronics, or the medical field. Both have promising outcomes, but would require me to go back to school. I'm not opposed to that, but I need to find a better job before I can afford school. Find a better job, so I can go to school, to find a better job. Something about that last sentence caused a weird popping noise inside my head. Like somehow the logic behind it is paradoxical. That's the way it is though. The porn store has gotten slightly more tolerable in the last few months. Just because I'm bit working overnight anymore. Well except for tonight, but it's my first overnight shift in a while. I still want to get the fuck out of here asap. I've got big plans for the near future, and I'll be damned if I'm going to let this place hold me back. My girlfriend and I want to get a house together, and I know I'm not going to be able to help make that happen unless I find something better than this place. I dont make shit for money, and that makes it near impossible to save up for anything big like moving to a new place. I'm going to make it happen though. I'm totally in love with my girlfriend, and we're both awesome. Together we can accomplish anything.

 

 

 

linkpost comment

Full of holes. [Jan. 10th, 2013|03:36 am]
suicidology


I realized yet another flaw in my plan to find a job. I only have 1 form of ID at the moment. While in Minnesota I went to get my passport, and they took my birth certificate. That was two weeks ago, and they said it was going to take 6-8 weeks for my passport to come. Add an extra week since it's being mailed to my parent's house, and then they're mailing it to me. Guess I'll just be making myself comfortable here for a while more. Even if I got an interview, they'd want two forms of ID before I got hired. All hope is not lost though. I'm a few days away from my one year anniversary of working at the porn store. That means I should be getting a pay raise and a weeks worth of paid vacation time. Maybe I'll just plan it out so I take a week off work when my passport finally comes, and then I just won't come back. Hehehe, how devious that would be. Still, probably best to find a new job first. I could use the week off to search for a new job at least. Student loan people have been after me lately too. Need more money asap. I don't make anywhere near enough to pay them and keep food in my belly. Maybe if I go on some sort of starvation diet I could save up some cash. Gotta call student loans in the morning, see if I can get some sort of delay on my account.

linkpost comment

Things and stuff. [Jan. 8th, 2013|04:36 am]
suicidology
[mood |okayokay]
[music |Stairway to Heaven]


Need to get motivated. Felt like shit yesterday, so I wasted the day away in bed. Feeling a little better today, but not 100%. Want to do job searching, but I have to work at 9Pm tomorrow night. That means I prettymuch just have time to eat and shower when I get home from this shift. Then it's straight to bed. Fine by me, a little more rest sounds delightful. I want to make tacos when I get home, but I question whether my stomach can handle them. Gonna do it anyways because fuck the police. Got a promotion of sorts on the internet show I do with friends. Have I mentioned the show on here before? I don't think I have. Well it's called frope, and it's pretty fun. I'll have to post a link for it sometime. The guy who was gonna take over for zach backed out, so Jesse offered the co-host position to me. I'm pretty stoaked, but also kinda nervous about it. Not just general stage fright, but also because of my job search. I hope I don't get a job that requires me to work late nights on Saturdays. At the same time, if I got a job offer from a place that required late Saturday nights I would take it. I've worked at this hell hole for far too long. First good offer I get, I have to take it. Hopefully a new job won't interfere with my involvement in the show. If it does, hopefully the guys will be willing to work around my schedule. I'd hate to be in a position where I had to choose between work and the show. unfortunately, work would have to win. The show doesn't pay my bills. I'm probably worrying about nothing, but you never know.

linkpost comment

You gonna get raped [Jan. 5th, 2013|05:01 am]
suicidology
[mood |annoyed]
[music |Alice in Chains]


At work again. Just wanted to rant about something that has been bothering me lately. Don't worry, it's not work related. I'm sick of complaining about me job.  There's this picture floating around the internet, and I've seen it on facebook a lot lately. I can't complain about it there without starting some sort of flame war. As we all know, arguing over the internet is like competing in the special Olympics.  Even if you win, you're still retarded. The picture is of an attractive young woman, shirtless, with bandages on her nipples, and the words "still not asking for it" written on her chest. I'm going to ignore all the other arguments ive seen over this picture, and just say what bugs me about it. First off, nobody asks to get raped, regardless of how they're dressed, that's what makes it rape. I can understand that there are ignorant people out there who genuinely believe that provocatively dressed women are "asking" for trouble. They're ignorant pieces of shit. Still, it can be argued that regardless of how people should act, there will always be people who will act otherwise. If I want to put on a KKK robe and walk through a black neighborhood, that's my business. Some people will think I'm "asking" to get my ass kicked, but legally I have the right to dress however I like. I should be able to feel safe anywhere, regardless of how im dressed. After all, we're humans, not animals, and we're capable of self control.  Chances are good I'm going to get my ass kicked though, or at least chewed out by an angry black person.  That said, I really don't think anyone deserves to be raped, regardless of how slutty they dress. Still, there's a level of personal responsibility that goes into how we look and act in public. While we have the freedom to dress whatever way we want, we need to accept that not everyone may respond to us positively. This doesn't make the actions of other people our fault. I just think there's a degree of common sense and an element of risk we need to be aware of in our day to day lives. You want to parade around town completely nude, you should be able to do so without fear of harm. That doesn't mean it's going to turn out that way though. There may be people you run into in the world who would wish you harm. That's it. End rant. Mostly I'm just annoyed that a shirtless woman has become a center of attention for being "edgy", and has sparked numerous stupid debates between idiots on the internet.

linkpost comment

(no subject) [Jan. 4th, 2013|04:30 am]
suicidology
[mood |bored]
[music |metal injection livecast]


just a short update to try out my new android.  Got some cleansing stuff, and some natural organic cranberry juice too.  If you've never had all natural cranberry juice before, it's EXTREMELY tart.  First sip I took actually made me do a full blown sour face. I realized I was supposed to shake it first, so I poured the glass back into the bottle. Shake shake shake, then I pour another glass. Holy fuck that didn't help at all. I thought cranberries were already super tart just when I drink the regular sugar-filled cranberry juice. I had to slam it like a glass of booze. I guess it's worth it if it helps me pass a drug test. I haven't used the actual detox product yet. I need to go over the directions carefully. I was looking at some of the different cleansing pills/drinks and they all seem to work differently. some you can do anytime, and others you're only supposed to do right before your drug test. we even sell the fake pee here, but I'm not daring enough to try that. Maybe I'll just become one of those weird guys who just keeps clean pee in his fridge at all times. Then I can smoke all the weed I want.

linkpost comment

excuses excuses EXCUSES! [Jan. 1st, 2013|06:23 am]
suicidology
So yeah, still haven't applied for any jobs. I was all set to send off my resume to a perspective employer when I realized something. Up until about a week about, I had been smoking weed everyday for about a month straight. Admittedly I don't know a lot about weed science, but I feel pretty confident that I would not pass a drug test at this exact moment. Luckily, my work provides a solution. We sell those cleansing pills and drinks that supposedly help cheat drug tests. I can get one for 17 bucks with my discount. Not bad, but I fear it would raise suspicion with my boss. Not that he'd care about me smoking weed, but he might throw a fit if he heard I was looking for work. I do have a 20 percent off coupon I've been saving, but I wouldn't save as much money that way. It's only 3 dollars more, 20 dollars instead of 17 dollars. Maybe I'll just use the coupon. I just dread the idea of spending more than I need to right now. It pains me to say it, but I've already spent most of the 500 bucks I got for christmas. I haven't been wasting it though. I've mostly used it to buy food and pay bills and buy gas for my car. The reason it bums me out though is because I was actually hoping to buy some fun things with it too. The only luxury I can think of buying is the space heater, and that doesn't even work as well as I'd like it too. I wanted to buy a headset for my ps3 so zach and I could talk while we play games together. I was looking at them online briefly, and it looks like they're between 50-70 bucks. That's insane! 70 bucks for a tiny mic that I wear on my head. The annoying part is that I know its just sony being greedy. They make you use their products to go with their system, and they overcharge you because they know you don't have any other choice. Maybe all hope is not lost. I haven't done any real research. Maybe I can use an off-brand $20 mic, and it will work just fine. I'll have to look it up when I get home. I did get my new phone btw. I've decided I'm just going to continue to use my blackberry when I'm out of the house for now. I might as well get as much use out of it as possible since I've already paid for it for the next month. That's another 80 bucks down the drain for a piece of crap phone. At least I got my new phone though, and the bill is half the price per month because I'm on my family plan. Ugh, money money money. Delays delays delays. Things will get done eventually. It will just take time.


Posted via m.livejournal.com.

link2 comments|post comment

Excuses excuses [Dec. 31st, 2012|05:44 am]
suicidology
So yeah, still haven't really started my job search, but I'm resolved to get on it soon. I was feeling shitty yesterday, and slept all day today as well. I actually had a few listings I had found on craigslist, and I was about to send off a resume when I realized something. My new phone is supposed to come in the mail tomorrow. I do currently have a phone, but it would make more sense to put down my new number on any current job applications. Not to mention the fact that I get no reception in my apartment with my current phone. I can send texts and receive emails on it, but that's about it. If anyone tries to call me the phone doesn't even ring, just goes straight to voicemail. If I try to call anyone I have to walk all the way out to the front of the building just to be sure the call wont drop unexpectedly. The new phone is supposed to come by 3pm today, and I'll probably only have just enough time to set it up before I need to go to bed in order to be rested for work. I'm going to spend the time between now and then searching for more job listings at least. If I can bookmark a couple of listings I'll feel like my time off from work wasn't a complete waste. The only other thing I managed to do was drive across town to target and buy a space heater for my shitty apartment. The space heater is great, but this building is so old that the room can't hold heat well. According to the thermometer on the space heater the highest it can get the room up to is 72 degrees. That's pretty fucking terrible considering the the same space heater could heat a similarly sized room up to 85 when when I lived at my parents place. I guess it doesn't really matter though. The building heat seems to run fine during the day. It's only at night when I seems to drop down dramatically. You see, this building doesn't have individual heating for each apartment. The building was built like 100 years ago, and wasn't originally built as an apartment complex. It's only got one furnace for the entire building. The building is small, so it's not like there's a lot to heat, but it doesn't seem to hold heat very well. The fact that my room is on the lower level and facing an alley probably doesn't help. I don't get much sunlight in here, even with the blinds open. It will probably be significantly cooler in here during the summer though. Then I'll just have to go out and spend another 50 bucks on a mini air conditioner that will barely do anything haha.
linkpost comment

choo choo! all aboard the cancer train! next stop, horribly painful death! [Dec. 29th, 2012|07:11 am]
suicidology
So I didn't manage to get my job hunt started yesterday. I had to wake up earlier than I expected, so I got less sleep. It was also poor quality sleep. The kind of sleep where you're not really even sure you slept. I'm pretty sure I had dreams at some point, but they were those dreams where I'm not sure if I was really dreaming, or if my mind was just wandering. I don't work tomorrow night though, so I can sleep all day, and spend all night job searching on craigslist and the rest of the internet. Internet is probably going to be my best bet for full time work. Everything around me is probably just part time. Except maybe thrift store down the street. They probably don't pay much either though. The idea is to get a better job AND make more money. We'll just have to see how it goes. Hopefully I will be able to find something that will pay well, be full time, and still give me the right schedule to where I can continue being involved with frope. Though to be honest, if I start making more money, I'll probably buy my own camera and start doing my own projects that I've been pondering. Not that I would stop being involved in frope. It's too early to say anything really. I've been irritated with everything lately. It's probably the combination of stress from different things. Job, travel, family, living situation, etc. Bah! I don't feel like bitching about this stuff tonight. I'll talk about my trip to minnesota instead. It was pretty alright. Obviously I survived both plane rides. Though I definitely didn't have a great time on either. I wanted to hang out with tegan, and possibly kari while I was in town, but I was always too busy/tired/hungover. I don't feel terrible about not getting to see them. I was more interested in seeing tegan of the two. Even though I feel like if I had hung out with kari I probably would have gotten laid. Don't know why, just call it a hunch. In the end hanging out with kari probably would have been more trouble than it would be worth. It was really cold in minnesota too, so that made it extra difficult to get motivated for travel.


Posted via m.livejournal.com.

linkpost comment

bone wolf [Dec. 28th, 2012|09:31 am]
suicidology
I'm back in portland, and back at the porn store. That also means I'm back to feeling irritated. I've been here for about an hour, and my head already feels ten sizes to small for my brain. This headache literally feels like my head is clamped into some sort of vice. I've heard people talk about having headaches like this before, but I always thought it was some sort of expression. Now I know the truth. As soon as I get home I'm going to start my job search. I would have started it earlier today, but I was jet-lagged from my trip home yesterday. I also had to try and force myself to sleep because I was so tired when I got home last night I think I went to be around 10pm. 3 hours on a plane and 5 hours in a car. It was only supposed to be 3 hours in the car as well, but there was traffic at 2 different points. Apparently the day after christmas is one of the busiest travel days of the year, and I'm inclined to believe it. Both the airports and the roads were packed with travelers. Even both plane rides we at full capacity. Speaking of plane rides, I managed not to shit my pants and/or chicken out of both my plane rides. That's not to say I had a good time either. Sweaty palms on both the take off and landings. Once we were up in the air I was relatively calm. Except for those occasional shaky moments. I made the mistake of mentioning that it was my first time on a plane to one of my fellow passengers on my way to seattle. He proceeded to be a total douche during the take off and the landing. Saying things like "this doesn't feel right" and "sounds like something is wrong with the engine". He wasn't able to get to me because I knew he was full of shit, but still, what an asshole. His sister was nice enough though and proceeded to berate him endlessly for his bullshit. I'm actually partially convinced he may have had some sort of mental problem. He just seemed very slow minded in general, and his sister did mention something about him having a brain tumor. Regardless, he was still a dick, so if he doesn't have a brain tumor I hope he gets one. Courtney texted me today and said her mom has some sort of crazy brain tumor. I also heard that my friend pat's dad also has some sort of cancer issue going on. It's kind of freaking me out how so many people I know as getting sick and dying. I knew that was going to be something I was going to have to deal with as I got older, but I didn't think it was going to be all happening so suddenly. I mean fuck, I'm only 27 after all, how bad is this shit going to be once I hit 50? I've already had one cancer scare myself, and my close friend sarah just had one herself a couple months ago. She's only 2 years old than me I think. It's shit like this that really makes me think I should be looking into my own health more on a professional level. I mean, I feel generally well except for my usual insomnia/depression combo. My insides also feel generally good, so long as I don't go on one of my junk food binges where I eat nothing but pizza for 3 days straight. I could probably stand to exercise more. Both aerobics and muscle building. I do a good amount of walking I think, but I could probably stand to do some running once and a while. Also, push-ups and sit-ups. I'm feeling really wound up tonight too. Probably because I went back to smoking cigarettes before I left town. I had a vapor cigarette, and was attempting to ween myself off nicotine entirely. The stress of traveling proved to be too much for me however, and I broke down and bought a pack of cigarettes when my vapor cig broke suddenly. Man, my mind has been racing a mile a minute. Having all these imaginary conversations and arguments in my head. I realized I've been pacing back and forth for like 30 minutes non stop. I feel like a god damn crack head. Just goes to show how bad smoking is for you. Just 2 packs of smoking regular cigarettes and my body is already back to going through withdrawals like when I first quit smoking. I think the hardest part about quitting smoking is that it seems so easy to do when you're still smoking. Then after you quit and the nicotine is all out of your system you think "I smoked for 7 years and quit no problem, a single pack or two of cigarettes isn't going to get me hooked again". Wrong! I'm totally feeling the withdrawals. That's why I like the vapor cigs though. I can just take a single puff to help with the occasional craving, and I'm not obligated to continue smoking an actual lit cigarette, or continuously chew a piece of gum. One puff, instant relief, and I can go about my business like normal.


Posted via m.livejournal.com.

linkpost comment

navigation
[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]